Yikes - I just read over yesterday's journal entry and it is really disjointed. I think I better than reading over my entries to correct my English : ). Today is day #5 that I've been off my anti-depressants and I'm still alive and kicking. Couldn't sleep last night and absolutely refused to take my sleeping pills. Around 12:20 am I decided to get off the bed and do some work. I figure if I cannot fall asleep I might as well use that time to do something productive. I did about two hours work and figured I should be sleepy but I needed another 30 minutes before actually falling asleep. I would say I fell asleep around 3 am and I was feeling so crummy in the morning I wish today was the weekend!
The good thing out of all this is that I got some good work done and I wish I had stayed up longer. I did consider doing an all-nighter but I figure I would be totally 'mashed up' that I should try and preserve whatever amount of my day that I can preserve.
Earlier in the night I was putting Arielle to bed (she sleeps in the bedroom with me so she'll have company) and she insisted that I have to stay in the room with her. As usual - whenever she has to go to bed - she remembers she has a million things to do, for example, watch a movie, want a drink, anything to avoid going to sleep. Of course my response was no to all of her requests so she wasn't pleased and decided to lie down all the way on the other edge of the bed, but as soon as she fell asleep she suddenly finds herself snuggling against me : ). So this morning she wakes up and says that I was sleeping on her pillow ... so I tell her, "yeah because she was sleeping on my side : )". It's amazing how little kids could toss and turn so much - I think part of their 'mission' while sleeping is to make sure they have used every bit of the bed - including the side that you are sleeping on : ). I'm not complaining - just thought it hilarious how my sweet little girl could be 'vex' with me one minute and in the next it's, "I want my daddy : )".
I've realized that one thing that is helping me is to force a pattern on myself. Yesterday was a good day at the office - because I kept to a pattern. I'm going to try that more often now and hopefully that helps keep me on track.
On Jonathan's side of the world - nothing new to report. He is still in pain and still has fevers. Yesterday his white blood count (WBC) went from less than 0.1 on Wednesday to 0.2 on Thursday - but Gabby's celebration was short lived because today it is back to less than 0.1. I guess Gabby's thoughts are that the healing process has slowly begun since he isn't spitting up the really thick kind of mucus and he isn't pushing the button to get that extra dose of pain medicines. My own belief - which differs greatly from Gabby - is that Jonathan's threshold of pain has probably increased and until I see physical evidence of his stem cells taking root - I'm not going to think that his healing has begun. I still think it is an unfair amount of pain and suffering that Jonathan has to go through but I try to NOT think about it too much because I'll just go crazy.
Amazing thing last night was that I couldn't do anything to settle my mind to sleep and when I started to sing the Our Father in my mind for some reason it had a calming effect. It was a particular version of the Our Father that is sung in Trinidad - that I have not heard in the States - and I have no idea why it popped into my mind. So my other thought was to say some prayers - but that didn't work - so I just continued humming the song in my head.
I'm going to be spending tonight into Sunday morning with Jonathan. I'm curious to see how that goes especially since I'm not on my anti-depressants. Hopefully I have the nurses that I can really work with and so my day ends up being a smooth one. I'm also hoping I spend most of Saturday sleeping because I figure I have a lot of catching up to do. I also figure that this journal is just as disjointed but don't feel like checking it so excuse the bad English : ).
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