Struggling ...

I think we're biting off more than we can chew.  Or, maybe I was underestimating how difficult and time consuming it would be to have the kids in school.  Regardless, we are struggling to keep up.  When we had both kids going to daycare, before Jonathan was diagnosed with cancer, I couldn't remember it being this difficult.  I suspect part of the reason is that we are tapped out, but the hard part is that this is beginning to sound like a stuck record, i.e. being tapped out.  I almost feel like taking a month or two off from work and just spending time doing other things, for example, getting the house back in order, relaxing, exploring etc... but this is not something I would seriously consider right now.

In the past, and I still do it now, I've always been amazed at the ability of single-parents to raise and take care of their children and still go through life.  I wonder whether my situation is as difficult as their own or whether it is more difficult?  I think this is one of these times where not having family support is a disadvantage.  There is no - 'let's drop the kids off by the grandparents for the weekend', or 'let's ask the grandparents to take the kids to school for the next couple of days'.  The biggest thing that struck me was during our naturalization ceremony yesterday.  One of the presenters were reminding us (the candidates) how important this achievement is and to recognize the struggles that some people have had to endure to get naturalized.

Although the road to getting our permanent residency was not as difficult as most people, I do know our road to naturalization was a bit of a challenge.  We've had to go through two lay-offs - with the first lay-off happening during the 2001 recession and completely having all our finances wiped out.  I remember we almost had to leave California because no one was hiring and it was very difficult to get a job to bring in any income.  Does that mean our lives are any more harder than any other person?  I don't know!  The way I think about it is the stress that kids go through as they are growing up.  I remember, and what I see on TV helps re-enforces this, but when I was a university student (for example), I thought I knew what stress was - having to study for my engineering degree.  It's amazing how things are hidden from you as a child and you think your parents don't understand the stress you have to go through coupled with some parents telling you that you don't have any stress (at least compared to them) - is the picture that comes to mind when I try to put my life into perspective.  I frequently use this image when dealing with the kids.  I try not to belittle their life experiences and the stress that they are going through and I force myself to recognize that from their perspective they are dealing with as much stress that I, as a parent, have to deal with as well.

One of the things that puzzles me is how someone else story could provoke an emotional response.  When we (Gabby, the kids and I) went to the oncology (cancer) camp in the first weekend of September, there were morning sessions for just the parents.  I remember our first session on Saturday morning and each couple (or single parent) had to share their story, i.e. the story of their cancer child.  There was one other couple who had a child diagnosed with Neuroblastoma, and while the father started to go through his family's story, he started to cry.  For some reason that provoked a response in me as well - although I was good in holding back my tears.  I guess I was surprised that it would have provoked such a response and a part of me was a little disappointed that I was not able to bring it under control.

Besides myself, I can see how everyone else is struggling.  I feel it for Arielle as well and having gone through the oncology camp and learning about the effects on siblings, it has me more worried for her.  I guess this is one of those occasions where 'time will tell' and as with everything in the past I am just taking it one day at a time.