We just finished the Thanksgiving Holiday. For some reason the holidays was depressing. I've been taking my anti-depressants now for almost a week and a half and originally I started off with half a dose for a couple of days - to make sure I didn't have a negative reaction - but now I'm up to full strength and for some reason I feel like if I'm not taking enough. The last couple of days were crummy - I was in a weird sort of mood where I didn't want to talk to anyone or at least easily provoked into a quarrel with Gabby. I know the last couple of days were not fun for her either.
Gabby spent an entire week cleaning up the apartment. This was a huge task because all the rooms were messy - all three bedrooms, living room and dinning room. She got some help from a friend on Saturday but it was a great feat. The sad thing was that she didn't quite get it all cleaned up - although it was mostly clean - so on Thursday morning - Thanksgiving morning - I got angry that we still had stuff to do - especially since we had to go out by friends for Thanksgiving dinner and my brother and his family were coming back with us to spend the weekend. Of course that got her ticked off too - since she spent a lot of time - a huge effort - to get the place cleared up. So I guess I sounded ungrateful! Which was unfortunate! She was so angry that she almost didn't go to the dinner with us - and I almost didn't go too - but in the end we went. By Saturday things started to settle back down and improve. I think it was good having guests over those couple of days - a good distraction so we wouldn't have to chew each other heads off.
So it's the start of a new week and this is the week we cram all of Jonathan's tests to re-evaluate this cancer so he can start the ch14.18 study. I learnt last week that we were not guaranteed to be on the study. So my celebration was short lived. Apparently when the three principal investigators of the study gave our oncologist the 'green light' it was to allow Jonathan to be signed up for the study but he still had to either prove he had cancer or be randomized. Although we had a biopsy proving he still had cancer since the test was done during his radiation therapy it was inadmissible for the ch14.18 study. So Jonathan is signed up for the study and he has to get three tests (biopsy, CT scan and MIBG scan) done this week so that he can start the ch14.18 study next week. Tomorrow (Monday) is his bone marrow aspirate or biopsy. This time they are going to take four samples instead of two - just to make sure that the tests come out positive. The problem with doing a biopsy is that it depends on where they sample. They can get a sample that has cancer and likewise they can get a sample that doesn't have cancer. The problem is that we don't want a sample that comes out negative because then Jonathan will be randomized on the ch14.18 study which could have the potential of him not getting any immunotherapy treatment. On Tuesday he has a CT scan and also gets injected for his MIGB scan on Wednesday - with a backup scan on Thursday if necessary. Hopefully we'll have Friday as a day of rest - with the weekend - and then the start of his immunotherapy treatment the following week.
I think the biggest problem for me is the constant reminder that Jonathan may not make it. That my son - who is active and playful and almost like his 'ole' self - may not be around for Christmas in 2006. As much as I try - I just cannot shake the thought and I think it is this thought that is bringing me down. I thought my anti-depressants would have helped me - but so far I guess they are not helping me enough. It's not to say that I'm actively thinking about it but rather, I'm passively thinking about it. It's like a pain that you get, that doesn't go away, but becomes like a dull pain that gradually gnaws at you. I hear about people saying that I'm handling things well but little do they know - plus it's easy to put on a happy face.
I read about another child who went through active treatment for more than 6 years and is finally cured! Six years! I cannot imagine doing this for so long - it will definitely drive me nuts. Hopefully this week will get better - but I doubt it. I think this week is going to be a week where I'm going to be a zombie - going through the motions just to survive. I have to figure out a strategy where I'm there for my family but still able to work and bring in an income.
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