It's the end of the day at the office and I'm on the subway heading to the parking lot where I parked the car. I will be spending the night with Jonathan as Gabby has to go to work tomorrow morning. Gabby has dropped her hours to Saturday only and it has been going well for her. The great thing about her job is that the environment and the people are very nice and it makes working there very pleasant and enjoyable. It would have been nice if she could have increased her hours - but that's not possible - given all the things going on with Jonathan. My real wish was that I could be the house-husband and I'll stay home with the kids - but that's not practical.
I remember feeling overwhelm when I went into the office today - I didn't know how I could continue working and being there for Jonathan. At the end of the day - that feeling of being overwhelmed has subsided a bit. Today we had a Blitz - an event in which the various teams chip in to help test / qa a particular feature and in some circumstances these events could be rewarding - having to work in pairs, learning new scenarios, finding issues so problems can be solved, etc... The good thing is that my spirits are a bit lifted and I'm sure over the weekend it will only get better. Sometimes I wonder if I was a manager and I had an employee like myself - what would I do? How much allowances should I make? How would I mitigate against the risks of my not being there or project dates slipping? It's a tough question and I'm not sure to handle it - but I'm just glad I don't have to handle it.
As I think about Jonathan and seeing him this afternoon - I'm wondering - 'what can I do to make my son happy once he recovers from this round of sickness?'. The problem is that we wouldn't have a long / huge amount of time. Even if Jonathan comes out mid-next week from his fever & neutropenia (F&N) he'll still be recovering at home for a couple of days - so in reality we are only looking at about a week, maybe two - and then to be hit again - the question is - is the delay worth it - or should we just rush ahead?
On another note - a patient died on the ward yesterday. It happened to be the room next to ours and it affected Gabby a lot. Even when I was talking to the doctors' and I was asking what was the percentage for the number of patients that don't survive a stem cell transplant - also caused Gabby to cry. The good thing was that the percentage is small - less than 5 percent (nationwide). For some reason though - I'm not as reactionary as I used to be in the beginning of Jonathan's treatment. I guess I have a wall of steel around me now? so it's harder to express my feelings or I'm more in control of my feelings? Who knows? Doesn't really matter. My immediate goal is to figure out how we'll through the next two months or so and then I'll worry about the future.
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